My baby doesn't like me any more!

vintage flower.jpg

I have returned to work and my husband is staying home with our five month old baby Eva. The first few weeks she was happy to see me when I got home. But, now it seems like she doesn't care if I am home or not. I feel left out. She seems more comfortable in my husband's arms. She sometimes cries when I take her from him. How can I get my baby to like me again?

Leaving a baby and returning to work can be tough. The first few months after your baby is born is one of the most intimate times anyone ever experiences.  Many moms say that they never imagined how they would feel about their connection to their newborn. Moms feel this connection in a particularly deep way, because they have already been caring for the new baby for nine months. You know that your baby is completely dependent on you and that you will do anything you can to protect and care for her.

When you go back to work, you not only have to be apart from your baby, you have to go off all day and act as if nothing has changed in the rest of your life! You may feel very lucky to be able to have your baby’s other parent caring for her, but that isn’t the same as being able to care for her yourself. It’s a big transition for everyone.

Even if you were staying home with Eva you might be seeing a shift in your relationship at about this time. In the newborn period, many fathers say that they feel envious of the bond between baby and mom.   Then, as the baby gets older they need more than the nurturing, care and comfort they get from mom. They want stimulation, play, interaction and some changes in scenery.  So after the third or fourth month babies start to appreciate dad and the new possibilities for social interaction. That is when the baby-dad relationship can start to take off, especially, of course, if mom isn’t around.

Some of what you are experiencing is that your baby and her dad have developed a different and very special relationship from the one you have with her. Even though it’s probably exactly what you would have wanted, you weren’t prepared for her having trouble switching from his care to yours, especially after a day when you have probably been longing to see her.

Fortunately, there are ways to help you, Eva and her dad to get through this period of adjustment.

The first is to allow Eva a little time to switch gears.  When you arrive home, give your husband a kiss and hug, kiss her too, and then give her a chance to observe you.  It may work better if she is in an infant seat or on a blanket on the floor rather than in her dad’s arms as you come in the door.  Talk to your husband, make occasional eye contact with Eva, and wait for her to look at you with interest.

Let Eva take the lead, and then respond gently.  Pick her up, talk to her, say a few words.  If you are breastfeeding, it will help if she has not eaten in a couple of hours (if she is hungry an hour before you arrive, she can have a little water or an ounce or two of milk—don’t make her suffer!).  Nursing is a wonderful way to reconnect after a day apart.  Once Eva is in your arms, dad can gracefully make an exit for a while so that your reunion can take place without distractions.

For the rest of the evening, try to be quietly engaged.  Let Eva offer cues and then respond.  I promise you, she has not forgotten you, but she may need time to get comfortable.  If you push, she may pull back (just like in most relationships!) If you wait, she’ll begin to initiate, and pretty soon you’ll be back to an easy give and take.

On your non-working days, take a few hours each day to be alone with Eva. It can be tempting to always have “family time” on the weekend, but it is important for you to have one-to-one time with her as well.  And, of course, it is also important for dad to get away and have his own time!  

Three way relationships have a tendency to leave one person out at least some of the time.  As Eva gets older, you will even notice that she gets upset when you and your husband pay attention to each other—she will feel excluded!

Do remember that as Eva gets older she will keep changing. Whatever experience you are having together one week doesn’t predict what the following week, or the next month, or the rest of her life will be like.  Every day is just one day on the way to helping her grow and learn about the world and the people who love her.