I am so tired of struggling with my children.

I am so tired of struggling with my children. I knew that being a parent would be a challenge, but sometimes getting through a day with my two children feels like all work, hardly any fun. They are basically good kids, but every day they find some new way to be annoying. Maybe it's just me, but I think it's at least partly them. I know there aren't magic wands for parents, but isn't there any way to make life a little easier?

You aren't the only parent who feels this way.  In fact, when I talk to groups of parents, once one parent is brave enough to say how she feels, I see other parents nod their heads in agreement. Anytime a parent is feeling as generally discouraged as you seem to be, I offer this suggestion.  

Instead of spending hours struggling, find fifteen minutes a day to focus on just being together.  It's what I call SPECIAL TIME. It's not quite a magic wand, but it's close.

Try SPECIAL TIME for a week.  I guarantee that any problem you are facing today will be far less of a problem after one week.  Add another week, and who knows where you'll be?  Let me know how it works for you.

HOW?

SPECIAL TIME is simple: parent and child alone time for 15 minutes every day, without any interruptions.  No cell phones no electronics, no distractions. Most parents tell me that they see positive results in their child’s overall behavior in just a few days!

During SPECIAL TIME your child gets to choose what to do. Sometimes a child will want you to join in play. Often a child will want you to watch while he or she plays.  SPECIAL TIME is a time to be relaxed and responsive to your child.  Try to avoid making suggestions, and resist the impulse to teach or explain or guide your child’s activities. During SPECIAL TIME your job is to follow your child’s lead—which is not always easy, and may even feel a little boring to you.  Your child will love it.

 It works best to use a timer to mark the beginning and end of the 15 minutes.  That way you don’t have to check your watch, and it is the bell that signals time is up.  SPECIAL TIME should not be open ended, because if you change the amount of time one day your child will feel deprived if you have less time another day.  If you want to continue playing past 15 minutes, you can tell your child that you have to do something for a few minutes, take a quick break, and then resume play—but it is no longer SPECIAL TIME. 

WHEN?

Every day, if possible. (If you find you are not able to set aside 15 minutes at least five days a week, notice how you are spending other time at home. You might notice that you are spending more than 15 minutes each day nagging!) SPECIAL TIME usually frees up extra time that was lost in conflicts. You may find that you are spending more than 15 minutes on chores that could be postponed or even eliminated. 

Two common questions: 

Suppose my child wants to watch TV or play on the computer?

Say no.  Screen time doesn't allow the kind of interaction that SPECIAL TIME is all about.

I am with my child a lot, so why do we need SPECIAL TIME?

A lot of parent-child time involves multi-tasking. SPECIAL TIME is just that--a time that says to a child that you can set aside distractions and just enjoy being together.  It really works!

What about the special time we have on the weekend? Sometimes I take my child to the zoo, or to a pecial event.   Doesn't that count?

That absolutely counts as quality time, but special dates are not the same as the daily, brief special time that I am recommending.  Just as you can't make up for a week of not brushing your teeth by scrubbing for an hour on Saturday, you can't replace daily connecting time with a long event on the weekend.

Good luck,

Meg Zweiback 

p.s. if you send me a report, I may post it here!